i am such a laZy ass... such a laZy laZy ass...
have been procrastinating to blog since forever...
and there are these new tools i discovered which help me being laZy...

like twitter.com and as you can see in the upper portion of this blog that have become laZy there too... but at least i have been updating that with stuff i thought i should have written about... which i should have done here... and i tweeted and then was too laZy to ever comeback here to blog about it... but who comes to this blog anyway???? around 6 ppl in the whole of the universe would be coming back here to check if i have blogged something or not... which is errrr NOT much anyway... compared to the 39 followers i have on twitter... and the over 90 listeners i have on blip.fm... that s the other seXy tool ihave discovered in recent times... it lets you listen to music online.... and you sort of become a RJ and ppl tuned into you will listen to the stuff you choose to blip and vice verca... something about these online things... have this potential to make you sort of feel connected (very unreal though) like a blog... but much more immediate... so its sort of a nice feeling when you get "props" (basically gold stars) for the stuff you have "blipped". and the best part about all this is that the website gets more and more popular using tools like these which have actually NO real value... its just a feel good thing... but yeah you keep doing it because you feel good about it... i think these formats also do good with this "ADHD" generation (which sort of includes me too)... the restless brains which are too restless to blog but can tweet (which has a restriction 0f some 150 characters or something like that)... so make it short and sweet and to the point... and read only stuff that long (or that short) too... so who cares about going in details and drool about stuff like i am doing NOW??? NO1..., well as i said it will be about 6 ppl in this universe... hope am NOT eXaggerating ... to be safe it will be around 5 ppl in this universe who would come and check if i have written something new... there will be more ppl coming in to read if i tell them i have "UPdated" but that s sort of kills the point na????

but anyway, i was thinking i should blog and my friend reminded me that i was blabbering too much and maybe that s because i need to put them on paper and upload them on my blog or something so today i decided that i should finally do it... too much lack of inspiration though... have a book to read... films to see... blog???? anyway, i went to google analytics to see wht s the status with my blogs.... and i was bewildered.... 42 visits... from 30 unique visitors in the last one month (when the last update was also quite sometime back)... that s weird... i doNT really advertise/promote my blog and this number is NOT really tending towards zero... this means that at least around 15-20 ppl have come around here... quite something man... its difficult to understand internet and how it functions and how ppl function in it...

recently i also uploaded my films on www.vimeo.com/ujjwal adn something like 250 ppl have seen the two films (haveNT uploaded my dip film yet) in the past 15 days... that s nice... but NOT one comment on vimeo itself.... a few friends mailed what they thought about it and a few wrote on orkut forums but not much... so i doNT really know how many ppl saw the films actually... as in how many ppl stumbeled into it or ppl who didNT really know me saw it... which is sort of sad... coZ the idea was to throw them on to the world and get the reaction... and it doesNT feel any thing... as in you see the numbers increasing but you doNT really feel it... in a physical screening, once the film ends you feel it man... and that s so nice... and that caNT be replaced... and ppl come up to you and tell you what they thought and so on and so forth...

but anyway, that was not the point... i digress too much... and i procrastinate even more so it doesNT really help... whenever i am NOT procrastinating i am digressing...

but anyway, coming back to the point of this post... which i doNT really know... but yeah i started it with the thought that there has so much that has happened that i wanted to write about but i haveNT.... there s actually so much that s happened in the recent past....

MJ died.... damn sad man... this is the guy whose song (the album was thriller) was the first english song i had ever heard... i didNT get a word of it... but papa had a cassette and i would listen to it and all... and he was always there through out life... he was doing something or the other at every stage of my life... sad that he had such a terrible life... especially after all the CSA allegations and all... huh!!! he had great music though... and he changed it for all of us...

Air France aeroplane crashed... where were all the fucking brilliant satellites these guys have... you can NOW see where your home is or whatever using google earth and all but these guys couldNT locate the bloody plane for four bloody days???? priorites are really screwed i think... but it was really sad seeing parents facing the camera a week later and saying they knew their kids were safe and that they had special training and they could have swimmed and all...

Yemeni Air plane crashed... why didNT anyone notice this one??? it was amaZing in the way it was ignored by the media... why is that Air France was such a headline but Yemeni was NOT??? one girl miraculously survived off this crash... amaZing...

its also amaZing that all these air crashes still get so much more attention than the so many hundreds of deaths happening otherwise... its quite interesting how the media is and what it is doing in the way we are thinking...

article 377 was sort of repealed... finally... a step towards the right direction... it s still a long way to go.. but at least a step is taken... india has finally decriminalised homoseXuality... but same seX marriages are still a problem... but now that this has happened hope is it will go the full way... but i doNT know if it has happened before but interestingly this time around the judiciary has shown the society the way to go... and the way to be... and to accept... which is sort of nice... just hoping that the society also takes it in its stride and accepts it as is...

anyway, i am done for now... i would have written much more about each of these things but its now all long gone... and i just wanted that i at least wrote something on these things than just forget them... hopefully i would now post the stuff which i want to deliberate on NOW...

i have NOT been blogging... huh!!!!! but the idea was to blog things sequentially... had thought of quite a few things which i wanted to write about... lets see how many i get down to actually write... i doNT think that will be many... but anyway, here is something what i had written when i went to potsdam, germany recently to attend the festival... this was written on day2 of the trip... i was quite pissed about it all on day1... maybe it reflects in the writing... or maybe it doesNT... i doNT know... but one thing's for sure that i was quite pissed... about the feeling of being aware of who you are... of the colour of your skin... about the feeling of being looked down upon at... and everything... it was NOT that anything eXplicit had happened which was making me feel so but there was something about it all... and i think it was mostly in my head only... but it was!!! i had already decided about the neXt 7 days that were to be (and this all is after i had met at least a couple of overly helpful and nice ppl!!! it was the rest of the thing)... thankfully and nicely i was proven wrong over the week and met some really nice ppl and had a fun week... this was mostly because of the festival and all... and yeah, film fests are something... but anyway more about the festivals and all later... for that day i was quite pissed... 

but i wanted to be positive about the whole thing and all as my friends had suggested that i leave my cynic self a bit aloof and try and have fun there... so this is positive, trying to be looking forward to it and all... ultimately by the end of the trip I have had quite a lot of fun... it was like a week long party.... and the thing about human emotions being universal remains so true and all... at the end of the day, mummies still would give you stuff when parting... an accidental touch of hands with the person (of the opposite seX) sitting neXt to you which lasts just a second longer still remains awkward everywhere... you get drunk everywhere... "friends" who might NOT have even seen your film would end up saying "THATs what you think" (when you tell them how you fucked up the acting in your films)... some girls seem hot to everyone (and no one dare comes close, hehhehehhe).... you wonder why you doNT have a copy of your film or why you were NOT better prepared for it... and you get drunk here there everywhere... and you party here there everywhere... and well some ppl would just get on your nerves from the word GO...  and somehow some guys STOP talking to you when you start talking to the girl... you just party in the festival and in retrospect wonder if you could make it all more fruitful... so yeah, basically everything almost remains the same... anyway, it also affirmed to me my belief since some time NOW... that festivals are basically solidarity events... so that you doNT feel left out and alone and awkward and outcasted... and that you have a good time feeling "normal" with all the other outcasts from everywhere and feel good about yourself... anyway, here is what i had written there on day2... i had written it on these pages as i was afraid i would fall short of pages... i had thought i would remove it, but i think its interesting as it is.... 

so why haveNT i been blogging... well, maybe because i am NOT busy doing nothing... but maybe i am, in a diff way... maybe i am NOT floating for NOW... for some time... am i ashore??? that is sort of scary... but i will like to believe that this is a temporary thing... and i will be back again floating... hoping that this "ashoreness" is also actually like floating... this is the first time i would probably be in a deal to stay at a place for this long... lets see...

but there is a lot to blog about... am delaying it... mostly of laZiness... but it will take some more time... but then i hope i will catch up with things...

meanwhile i have discovered twitter.com and blip.fm and spending too much time on that i think... i am wondering how would stuff like twitter would change blogging.... hmmm ... lets see..

floating...

i tried to learn to swim... the first thing they teach you in there is to float... all you gotta do is just be lying in the water, back up... and you gotta keep your head down under water... its amaZing... they taught me a few more things like as to how to actually swim and all (i didNT really learn the whole thing though) but the float part is the most amaZing... its like you are floating man.... its like you air and just floating... a much more thicker air, that s it... but it s like being in a state of fluX... its quite seXy... & somehow it reminds me of how my life has been lately... always in a state of fluX... floating,.. not knowing where you floating to... & not that you are going a long distance or anything... there s a certain sort of anXiousness always, wondering about the right time to get your head out...a sort of anXiousness like we you doNT really know when to get out of it... you doNT want to get out of it... but you have to...its like being in fluX... and once are out of it, you want to get in again... 

it is quite amaZing... i quite love it... just keep floating...i doNT know if i love it all that much in life though...

NEWS RECAP(THIS WAS WRITTEN SOME DAYS BACK!!!)

In the last few days there have been a "lack" of news it seems. It seems the channels have had to rattle on the same stuff over and over again. They were talking to people live all over the world about Gandhi's stuff being auctioned and many other blah blah blahs. Maybe its the silence before the storm as the elections come closer. But despite this one news item caught my attention and made me smile and had me tripping on it for some time at least. It was Hillary Clinton giving the Russian Foreign Minister a RESET button, hehehehhehe.... that was so cool... such nice sense of humour at such a level of politics is so nice to see... how much of it actually translates to real changes, i doNT know but at least there is an expressed intention and probably a confession of things going wrong in the past... Russia has been a fast growing power and it would seem that it woNT take long to reach where it was as Soviet Union. It is a country to reckon with. The recent Georgia issue (and also the Gas supply to europe via Ukraine(i think)) proved it all that Russia woNT take it anymore. The way it has been treated indifferently in the past couple of decades especially by Europe and the US. This gesture was probably an acknowledgment of things gone wrong in the relationship but it is also an acknowledgment of the power that Russia threatens to be.... But all this heaviness being tackled by giving a reset button was awesome... I doNT know if it would lead to actual changes or not but sure a great gesture...

 

It made me also wonder if it was high time for India to pass around a few of those buttons... Its high time one re looked at Sino-Indian or India-Pak relations... and the press conferences after these meetings are a sight to see... even when talking of increase of "friendliness" in these meetings it such an icy cold, hold your breath kind of declarations... maybe the buttons would make it at least a little warmer....  of course the onus is on both the side... i remember seeing the opening ceremony of the olympics last year on a friend's comp a few days after the actual event... It made me wonder then, as to the fact that it was probably the first olympics we indians could practically walk on to or drive on to (without needing more than one visa) but what did we make of it????? nothing,.. the olympics being held in china was a great recognition for china (and also the way they conducted it) as a country in the international arena... but caNT we also celebrate that for the region or our neighbours???? and why didNT it strike any of us or any of the chinese to do that???? it was a great opportunity both these countries had... but yeah, i forgot we were taking a stand for tibet, is it???? but remind me, did we do that???? i doNT think so..... i am totally for the tibetan cause and i think the way things are going tibet will be lost in a time not too long from now..  but as the dalai lama said, tibet is probably still alive only because it is alive inside the tibetans and the hope of the actual physical tibet to eXist is as good as null now.... but it is amaZing how faith and belief has pulled it through till now... as to how the spiritual leader is looked up at so much by tibetans all over... kudos to them... saying all that i doNT see india or anyone for that matter taking a stand for that.... as the olympics came, there was s surge of activity there... but forgotten as soon as the olympics got over... the earthquake also in a way helped the chinese... and they sure used the sympathy stuff... (for the first time they were relaying live the rescue efforts and all).... anyway, i digress too much... that s  not the point... the point is canT these two countries make things a bit lighter between themselves... we need a reset button here!!!!!

 

khair, moving on to another thing that i saw a lot of recently, not by choice mind it but by force of tv channels, was the gandhi memorabilia auction.... about how the stuff was being sold off by james otis and how indian govt. was trying to negotiate a deal for it not to be auctioned.... or how the nri restauranteur was going to bid for it and if won would donate it to the indian government... i found the whole business quite useless... as in gandhi doesNT belong to india, he was an indian... the stuff was not stolen from india (as the recent chinese stuff that was auctioned off by christies, the chinese "symbols" were looted off in some war i think) or anything like that.... and india is NOT the rightful owner of the memorabilia just by claim... if the gandhi lineage would have claimed it, it would have been another thing altogether... but they are the ones who gave it in the first place... how come india became the rightful owner of the stuff, i didNT get it... gandhi's ideology has been propagated and followed by several thousands all over the world... and please we are not "gandhians" as a country anyway... even barrack obama has a gandhi portrait in his office or something like that.... so what does that mean... we have gandhi's portrait all over the country... so what does that mean???? nothing, if you ask me... gandhi was more than a person, was more than his stuff, it was in his ideologies that we should take pride in.... all said and done... we had indian government releasing statements as to how it would not allow its auction and how it would bid for it and somehow keep it in this country... do these people really believe in "gandhianism"??? khair, anyway, all said and done vijay mallya bid highest for the stuff and also promised to give it to the government (the logic of which i fail to understand, he should probably keep it in a museum open for public, the govt is satisfied with having the stuff in india and no more.. any which way they wanted to claim credit for the same).... but the irony of the situation is that it was liquor money that saved india's pride (pride - how??? i doNT know).... and there is something for all the gandhians in gujarat to bite on...

i spent the new year's eve watching "main azaad hoon"... a 1989 tinnu anand's film in which amitabh bachchan acted... quite interesting concept... though the film could have been much better done, i guess... the understanding of the power of mass media is quite nice... but then the film goes too formulaic... and the music is too much and all... 

 

that's not why this blog entry is but the film probable made me think... well, it is quite interesting how cinema reflects the society at any given points of time... as to how the hero changed from the basic labour class or the struggling unemployed youth to the millionaire kids to the present supposedly "aam janta" (the common man) notion... as to how the mainstream industry's focus has changed from a person's need for roti, kapda and makaan... to sort of relationship issues and family drama kind of stuff of people who don't only NOT have to be worrying about any of the practical aspects of life  (the roti, kapda aur makaan or the kheer for that matter)... with the current focus on maybe trying to redeem the "aam janta", the common man... but interestingly this common man doesn't have to worry about the daily livelihood but can't really be affording to jump off the helicopter and be running into the castle...

what i find interesting is also the fact that earlier people wanted to see the poor man beating up the rich guys... and get aroused by it, i guess... in the sense that they would probably take pleasure from the fact that the working class could win over the "bourgeois"... at least on the screen... and thereby the adrenaline rush when the labours would find their "hero" (who cannot even afford to get his next meal) who would beat the hell out of the seth ji.

then came "globalisation" and "industrial reforms" and our country's outlook became more capitalistic than socialistic... and so did change the outlook of the people... and thereby the reflection on the screen... nobody seemed interested in stories of the poor anymore it seemed... everyone wanted to potray on screen a lifestyle which was supposedly desirable... which people would look up to and aspire... the aspiration had changed from beating the bourgeoise to becoming one... to be one of those who could probably jump off the helicopter to run into the castle to meet his mother after a long long time... 

but then something else happened... i don't understand it completely as of now... maybe more will be understood in retrospect... but anyway... then again the common man empowerment movement has begun... and this time the common man is different than any other... it is a middle aged service class guy who gets enough salary to not have to worry about food and shelter but is certainly not a very influential character... or a very powerful fellow at that... but never the less it wins, because of what the situation has inspired him to become... be it the social situation or the personal life situation... our "hero" rises upto the situation...

but why are we talking about all this??? i don't know... i really don't... anyway...

I think it was about 11 and a half years ago... she just climbed up on me and was licking me all over the place... the sweetest little thing possible... she was not a pure breed but so what, she was damn cute... and bitchy too, mind it... she had to fight her way into the family and she did... and then she was always there... through all the highs lows... and she braved it all... all the diwali crackers, all the departures, all the coming backs, all the moving around, sicknesses... 

but finally she could no more... 

sherry... R.I.P.

and she loved rasgulla... 

somehow thinking of her, always gets a smile back...

NEW ORDER OF THE WORLD or is it the old one

some people coming on a boat and putting up so many lives at stake is like mocking the whole "system" of things... whatever motives/political revolutions can NOT justify an action like this... how the fuck is it allowed that some people (just because they have guns/ammunitions) keep a country on nerves... has the human life come down to this importance... how can any "revolution" eXpect support/sympathy after an act like this and NOT just be branded as a "terrorist" organization... 

but it is NOT a one off incidence i think... look at whats happening around... the power of "might" has been used more frequently than ever before... in a more blunt fashion than ever before...  makes me wonder, we live in a world where there are "pirates" capturing ships, there are people ready to kill because they think they own the damn place, countries going into war for land capturing... a person decides that the country concept doesn't eXist and that each state people stay in their own state... a president loses in the elections and declares the elections to be too close to decide, rigs the re election and comes back on to power.... a president elect, goes back on his promise to restore the judiciary because he was put on trial by the same judiciary a few years ago...  dunno how many countries are ready to get their guns out because one country' s independence is NOT liked by the other... and all these are just incidences in the past few months... if one starts listing the long term issues and fights, it will be an endless list... 

the world it seems is on the brink of going into war... we barabaric people  have decided, whatever be, the neXt thing we do is kill each other... is it all so whimsical???

is it the new order of the world - the power of might... or is it the old one... the one with which we have been trying to run away since forever... when will it be anyway???? the "new order"... 

seems like the world in our school time books is on our faces like never before... a world where captain hook was present... where the countries were fighting for land all over... its all still so present... its all so real... however hard we pretend that it doesn't...

"the conquerer always believes in  peace, eh?"

but the real question, mind it, is :

is all this really worth it???????

today a friend pointed towards a kid who has started serving chai. she had made that kid
act in her PSA spot as a chai waala who goes in a school and all and is a comment on accessibility of education, and child labour..... she was really disappointed and was feeling weird that the kid had to finally take to serving chai...

later in the evening another of my friend was rushing off after dinner... she was rushing off to teach that same kid, she had started only yesterday and was teaching the kid the alphabets....

P.S.: the kid has already reached 'G'

one fucked up project,
one fucked up me,
and nowhere to go...

hi
as i posted on my previous blog.. have been scribbling a little lately...

didNT seem a good idea to put all in the same blog...

so a new blog - ujjwalsetloose.blogspot.com

have put some photographs by me and stuff there as of now...

see you there...

and here too ;)

hi
long long long time since i have posted something in here... have got a scratch pad lately and have been scribbling on it... that s one reason am off writing i guess...

someone asked me today as to what am i upto??? my reply surprised me - "well, going through the motions of life".... why, why would i say such things????

i crib about life, world blah blah blah blah.... so many things... quite a few of us do... as if we are all going through the "motions of life" by FORCE... is it??? NO, NOT really... why is there no kick then???

someone told me recently that happiness is in smaller things... true, very true... the concept of greater happiness is all BULL... and so is concept of being happy i guess... it is something like you can never be a 1o0% happy ever... happiness as a state of mind is myth... have written that here before aint i??? being too pessimistic, cynical??? huh!!! but doesNT it also mean that i am rejecting the concept of being 100% sad too... one can never be a 100% sad anytime too... why doesNT anyone look at that like that????? why are you always like this??? repeating the same shit over and over again????? why???? got the point... now get over it...

so is it important??? being happy or sad... i just am... NOT happy NOT sad... just going through the motions of life... huh!!! i wish.... again??? just stop it.... why do you have to go into these things... get over it man... no one s interested....

hmmmm.... why does that one phone call become important... or one meeting becomes important... to give one enthu till that time at least??? why is it important as to what am i going to do neXt... i doNT know... & i really doNT ... & maybe i doNT want to know... i have NO plan, but why do i need one... but you were NOT like this, were you??? what happened to you??? you were sharp, you were talented and all, you had at least a basic idea of what you are doing, what you are going to do... what has happened to you... why are you so lost??? were you always like this???

huh!!! i am tired... i guess... of what?? of going through the motions of life... hehehehhehehe

what???? anyway, its just that i am losing the pretense... i am losing the facade that one has to carry.... that i know where i am going, what am i doing... that s it... it is damn difficult... because, can you stop thinking about it... NO, i guess not... but then who said life s easy anyway... but yeah one thing is there.. since there is NOThing actually to look forward to, this one step has become slllllloooooooooowwwwwwwwww.... human nature i guess.... i am confused as to where should i compromise... what should be done neXt... i want somethings of a particular package, some of the others... it is the usual transition period dilemma, i guess... but wait, i am NOT there at the transition point yet, i should worry about it properly when i am there... but its NOT far too... so at least i should prepare myself to worry about it, i guess...

to tell the truth... i have NO idea of what i am doing... or what i am going to do.... i never had... i could NT say it earlier... coZ i was too scared of saying that... i doNT know what i am going to do, or what i want to do.... i am just lost in the middle of no where... but the good thing is that i know i am lost, & i doNT need to pretend other wise.... ;)

scavengers are better!!!

today i went to this ortho place which specializes in equipments and rents them out also etc. they have got just two or three wheelchairs. I needed a wheelchair for my shoot, that should be around 25th - 27th. But these guys were NOT ready to commit if the wheelchair would be available then, it was available NOW!!! so ok we will take one NOW for a week or so, (the rent is something like ten bucks a day) and then we wanted the one wheelchair that had the eXtra rim on the wheel as a support to wheel.... pathetic....

it is so so sad....

is the film really this important.... what if some1 else needs it then... makes you wonder about the whole thing... about as to if one should be making this film only... makes you wonder about film making itself... is all this really this important...

& i was thinking about all this and also simultaneously making sure that i had the wheelchair at my disposal for the shoot.... what s the use of this sort of consciousness anyway...

we had been told before that filmmakers are like scavengers... NOT true... i think scavengers are better...

they say films come out of heart and compassion and blah blah blah... is it????

it is all blah blah only.....

my deskTOP :

do i really have to be part of all this?????

i think i should do something simpler in life,
something where i doNT have to think so much
where i doNT have to give in so much
or get paranoid so much

or maybe i should just change my style of working
or maybe just start working rather than just worrying about it....

what did God do when he was angry????

he made locks.... God-rage locks......
hahhahahahhahahhaha


Why did the truck guy refuse to transport the bad furniture????

because it was a goods carrier.....
hhahahhahahahhaha

filmmaking is a compromise.

i was watching this film - "The F word"... {didNT see the complete thing mind it}

but bsically it is about "free speech" and is based on this radio show called the F word which has been banned by FCC for "obscenity" or something.... so this radio jockey takes to the streets with his wireless transmitter enabled mic..... blah blaH

so he goes onto grouse about the government nd how they are impairing free speech.... and questions as to why is it that the same people (as in the US govt) which fight for smaller government and freedom of markets, why do the same people have problem with "free speech"...


hahahhahhhahhahahahahhahahahhahaha
how did you like that ?????