"perhaps the quality of love canT be measured by it's duration."

"you doNT stop loving someone just because you hate them".

--hanif kureshi's intimacy

"But it is the truth even if it didn't happen"

- Ken Kesey's "One flew over the cuckoo's nest"

i don't know which is more inspiring :
love or the absence of it...

reason or the absence of it...

freedom or the absence of it...

availability of time or absence of it...

absence, in general...

"Alas, in love it takes so little to make a person desperate"

- from Milan Kundera's Immortality.

i was just trying to flick ash off the cigarette, it broke...

sometimes i wonder if i am trying too hard to smoke a broken cigarette...

and then i realise, i should NOT be smoking anyway, 

it is injurious to health and all, you know!!!

well, you wait for something to be happening since ages... and this is what you were looking forward to... the thing that was occupying the chunk of your life... your perfect recluse... and you couldNT wait to get it over... and then it happens... and its over... just like that... now what do i do??? ugh...

it's NOT fair... it is absolutely NOT fair...

you live with an idea for over a year and a half and all... it consumes the major part of thinking and the conscious time in this period of time... you work on it indulgently for about 8-9 months... whatever changes in your life, doesNT change in your life... this was one thing that remained common, constant, perennial... it was your eternal escape in this period... and all that will be left of it after tonight would be a DVCAM cassette and a dvd????? (it is bloody scary!!! and i doNT want to let go and i just want it to be here... in the making... for my recluse... and you worry shit that everything comes down to this... to a couple of hours in the studio... but what will be left of it all??? a bloody cassette and a dvd????!!!!!?????? ugh, not fair.... i can already feel the void... i have seen a lot with this thing, been through with a lot with it... and it leaves us with just a tangible thing which you can keep duplicating at your whim???!!!???? interesting is that your whims and fancies were NOT entertained by it, through out... it just made itself and you were just a mere spectator... no really, is film viewing a thing about being spectator or is it filmmaking???? more and more it seems it s the latter...

a friend commented the other day that i believed what i did was the coolest thing ever, wasNT it??? i said i dONT know,.. but i do know its beautiful... what did i do for it anyway, i was just led, mislead by it... and i was merely watching "it" take a life form... where i couldNT do anything with it, and i was just a mere additional burden on it, maybe...

it certainly made itself... and how... that is beautiful; the fact that 8 ppl (some of them hardly know you, some who know you since forever) in this world would pool in considerable amounts of money to let you make it... the fact that the laZy ass you would get up and 4 in the morning and go on a borrowed scooter on a 100 km ride for the recce... to the fact that you will find someone to come along with you always, at that time, without any conditions despite knowing the fact that sometimes you tend to sleep while riding the scooter... its beautiful that you would be able to find that one person (who inspired you for it all in the first place) out of thousands of people spread across several villages... the fact that a friend of yours would come down for 10 days or so, adjusting his other project dates accordingly, work for free for you... that two other students would work for you for free whenever called for... the fact that you call for a NON AC car (and it was quite hot), the driver likes you hence switches on the AC but charges you NON AC fairs... the fact that a random equipment dealer lets you out all the shoot equipments without any advance or deposit or anything... the fact that a senior sound guy does all he could in post for free... or the fact that the struggling editor (who once was your junior in college) takes up studio bookings and pays it for by himself (and doesNT even like the edit)... or that your friend(s) doNT mind meeting you after ages only coZ you need a place to crash and freshen up for a couple of hours... or that a friend would pay for your dinner and beer realising that you doNT really have the cash to have THAT dinner or THAT beer THERE... the fact that you could call a person halfway across the world on their cost just to frustrate them with your cribbing about how things are NOT really working out... or the fact that the person who lives ten minutes from your place (but hardly knows you) comes over to place to make coffee for you coZ you are having a headache after the edit is NOT going anywhere... or the fact that when ppl are doing favours to you, they still listen to you shouting on them (at international long distance calling rates they are paying for) coZ of no real mistake of theirs... or the fact that a person would come all the way from a corner of mumbai to another (and that is more difficult than travelling in between cities) so that they could help you all night through (despite the fact that they have to be in office neXt morning) without cribbing and in fact listening/pampering your tantrums...

the film??? just seems like a by product by now...

got a call from my grandma yesterday, she did get the letter i had sent her... :)

snail mail works....

and how....

wow!!!

i love this painting by van gogh... and i love starry nights anyway... wow!!! could stare it forever... it is like eternity... and maybe it has something to do with the fact that the weather around that time in ahmedabad is better... as in there is at least a tinge of breeZe and for some time you can even forget that you are actually living in a boiling pot!!! but there i digress again... i doNT know what is it about this painting & i doNT want to know but there is something about it... and there is something about the sky full of stars...its just there... and i doNT know when i was staring at it some time ago and there was someone staring at it, breathing neXt to me... and it was the most wonderful feeling... just lying there under the sky neXt, someone breathing there with you... 4.9.... it was not the same person who had introduced me to the painting though... i remember making breakfast with her(the person who introduced me to the painting), that s when i started that actually and it was lovely... and i realized i loved making breakfast... NOT necessarily cooking but just making breakfast... there is something about getting up, getting late and rushing about to make it in time... and we would always be running a bit late... even if we get up early... and quite a funne scene actually... both assigning works to each other in between the the morning stuff - shower, clothes to clean, the cleaning lady, tea, blah blah blah... and eggs man, they are awesome... that s probably one thing almost impossible to screw up... a friend used to make it for me when we were living togethter some three years ago... he mailed me recently... i miss him to much... still wear the watch he gave to me... anyway, i made some eggs for my friend who was here for some time with me... and he seemed to have loved it... the trouble is that he would keep telling everyone who would come to my place about it and i would end up making it for everyone... hehehehhehe... but it was fun... i have known this guy since the past three years now... or is it four... four yes... we have had our set of misunderstandings... but the seXy part is we never spoke about it to each other... every tom dick and harry seemed to know about it, eXcept on each other s face... but this time it was different.. we really spent some quality time with this guy and i really love him... there was this one time when i dreamt or day dreamt early in the morning that he has come to my room and broken my lapTOP... i rushed to his room, and when he woke he told me that i had broken his camera in his dream.... hahahhahahhahahha anyway, this time somehow all our conversations would end up on girls, relationships blah blah... (maybe that also has to do with the fact that the professional life discussion turns out to be night marish hehehehhehe ;) but all this talk about girls and all reminded me of school days man... i remember the time when this friend of mine called me to tell me that he had a crush on this girl and i also liked this girl, hehehhehe but he sounded serious and all... anyway, that s when i probably started to talk to him... and hence we have talked a lot over the years... about a lot... anyway, just add a little cheese to the omlette and its heaven... its beautiful... but the fact of the matter is that we doNT see the beauty in things around us... and there is so much of it all over... beauty.. there s a concept... the dictionary meaning : beau·ty [byoo-tee] the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)... hmmm... that s a lot of sense for me... beauty... john cage... the sound of the scrubbing of utensils, the rhythm of it... sound of train passing through stations, the language of announcements keep changing... the newspaper being put on water, the water blotting onto it... the fear of being photographed and yet readily doing it for someone... a glass breaking... or a broken glass... the yearning to be with someone... to be with someone... a pair of slippers lying neXt to a bed... getting up in the night to someone sleeping neXt to you talking to you in a lang you doNT understand and going off to sleep... that perfect track shot... that little girl with those blue eyes... the older girl sitting neXt to her... the fact that to get a shot right a 130kg guy would climb up a ladder which wouldNT support half his weight in a position where he caNT even fit... that perfect cut... the shot which goes on and on and you need NOT cut it... cinema... hiroshima mon amour... kieslowski... bresson... stalker... the sound of the cold drink bottles with the opener in the intermission in a cinema hall... the sound of a guy who is panning salt in the middle of nowhere... the kids who push the train from within with the belief that their pushing would get the train rolling on... clouds in your car when you were going uphill and you were sleeping... chai... the girl sitting there with a book in one hand and chai in another... that chequered shirt she wears... my own blue striped shirt... comfort... discmofort... the person who would walk all across the borders of gujarat... the person who is able to get over these material needs... food when you are dead hungry... french toast but in pieces and some vanilla essence in it, honey on top of it, a bit of whiskey too... someone cooking for you... someone cooking with you... someone ready to give you company for meals when that person doesn't even have to eat... vodka... wine... white wine... chilled beer in the middle of a hot summer day... dinner at home... home... breakfast... making breakfast with someone... making breakfast for someone still sleeping... someone sleeping... starry nights... someone somewhere in the other corner of the world seeing the same starry nights but breathing neXt to you... 2nd and 3rd grade photos of someone else... someone reminding you of your childhood.... poetry... parents... grandparents... the letter you wrote to them but never reached them... your grandma teaching you chess... tantrums you threw as kids for your parents attention... what you believe of the world as a kid... games you played with your family when you were a kid... the games you play online with some people now... people inspiring you to do stuff you never thought you could or would... certain people you allow to take liberty with some of your never to be broken rules... the anXiety to check mail every morning.... someone... the best relationship you could have had but never had... the person who was meant for being with you but it was not meant to be or was it... longing... blog entries where you doNT know what you started with and what you end with... listening to santana while writing stuff which is not going anywhere.... stuff in which you doNT really know what is happening or where is it going... or which is going nowhere... life...

i am such a laZy ass... such a laZy laZy ass...
have been procrastinating to blog since forever...
and there are these new tools i discovered which help me being laZy...

like twitter.com and as you can see in the upper portion of this blog that have become laZy there too... but at least i have been updating that with stuff i thought i should have written about... which i should have done here... and i tweeted and then was too laZy to ever comeback here to blog about it... but who comes to this blog anyway???? around 6 ppl in the whole of the universe would be coming back here to check if i have blogged something or not... which is errrr NOT much anyway... compared to the 39 followers i have on twitter... and the over 90 listeners i have on blip.fm... that s the other seXy tool ihave discovered in recent times... it lets you listen to music online.... and you sort of become a RJ and ppl tuned into you will listen to the stuff you choose to blip and vice verca... something about these online things... have this potential to make you sort of feel connected (very unreal though) like a blog... but much more immediate... so its sort of a nice feeling when you get "props" (basically gold stars) for the stuff you have "blipped". and the best part about all this is that the website gets more and more popular using tools like these which have actually NO real value... its just a feel good thing... but yeah you keep doing it because you feel good about it... i think these formats also do good with this "ADHD" generation (which sort of includes me too)... the restless brains which are too restless to blog but can tweet (which has a restriction 0f some 150 characters or something like that)... so make it short and sweet and to the point... and read only stuff that long (or that short) too... so who cares about going in details and drool about stuff like i am doing NOW??? NO1..., well as i said it will be about 6 ppl in this universe... hope am NOT eXaggerating ... to be safe it will be around 5 ppl in this universe who would come and check if i have written something new... there will be more ppl coming in to read if i tell them i have "UPdated" but that s sort of kills the point na????

but anyway, i was thinking i should blog and my friend reminded me that i was blabbering too much and maybe that s because i need to put them on paper and upload them on my blog or something so today i decided that i should finally do it... too much lack of inspiration though... have a book to read... films to see... blog???? anyway, i went to google analytics to see wht s the status with my blogs.... and i was bewildered.... 42 visits... from 30 unique visitors in the last one month (when the last update was also quite sometime back)... that s weird... i doNT really advertise/promote my blog and this number is NOT really tending towards zero... this means that at least around 15-20 ppl have come around here... quite something man... its difficult to understand internet and how it functions and how ppl function in it...

recently i also uploaded my films on www.vimeo.com/ujjwal adn something like 250 ppl have seen the two films (haveNT uploaded my dip film yet) in the past 15 days... that s nice... but NOT one comment on vimeo itself.... a few friends mailed what they thought about it and a few wrote on orkut forums but not much... so i doNT really know how many ppl saw the films actually... as in how many ppl stumbeled into it or ppl who didNT really know me saw it... which is sort of sad... coZ the idea was to throw them on to the world and get the reaction... and it doesNT feel any thing... as in you see the numbers increasing but you doNT really feel it... in a physical screening, once the film ends you feel it man... and that s so nice... and that caNT be replaced... and ppl come up to you and tell you what they thought and so on and so forth...

but anyway, that was not the point... i digress too much... and i procrastinate even more so it doesNT really help... whenever i am NOT procrastinating i am digressing...

but anyway, coming back to the point of this post... which i doNT really know... but yeah i started it with the thought that there has so much that has happened that i wanted to write about but i haveNT.... there s actually so much that s happened in the recent past....

MJ died.... damn sad man... this is the guy whose song (the album was thriller) was the first english song i had ever heard... i didNT get a word of it... but papa had a cassette and i would listen to it and all... and he was always there through out life... he was doing something or the other at every stage of my life... sad that he had such a terrible life... especially after all the CSA allegations and all... huh!!! he had great music though... and he changed it for all of us...

Air France aeroplane crashed... where were all the fucking brilliant satellites these guys have... you can NOW see where your home is or whatever using google earth and all but these guys couldNT locate the bloody plane for four bloody days???? priorites are really screwed i think... but it was really sad seeing parents facing the camera a week later and saying they knew their kids were safe and that they had special training and they could have swimmed and all...

Yemeni Air plane crashed... why didNT anyone notice this one??? it was amaZing in the way it was ignored by the media... why is that Air France was such a headline but Yemeni was NOT??? one girl miraculously survived off this crash... amaZing...

its also amaZing that all these air crashes still get so much more attention than the so many hundreds of deaths happening otherwise... its quite interesting how the media is and what it is doing in the way we are thinking...

article 377 was sort of repealed... finally... a step towards the right direction... it s still a long way to go.. but at least a step is taken... india has finally decriminalised homoseXuality... but same seX marriages are still a problem... but now that this has happened hope is it will go the full way... but i doNT know if it has happened before but interestingly this time around the judiciary has shown the society the way to go... and the way to be... and to accept... which is sort of nice... just hoping that the society also takes it in its stride and accepts it as is...

anyway, i am done for now... i would have written much more about each of these things but its now all long gone... and i just wanted that i at least wrote something on these things than just forget them... hopefully i would now post the stuff which i want to deliberate on NOW...

i have NOT been blogging... huh!!!!! but the idea was to blog things sequentially... had thought of quite a few things which i wanted to write about... lets see how many i get down to actually write... i doNT think that will be many... but anyway, here is something what i had written when i went to potsdam, germany recently to attend the festival... this was written on day2 of the trip... i was quite pissed about it all on day1... maybe it reflects in the writing... or maybe it doesNT... i doNT know... but one thing's for sure that i was quite pissed... about the feeling of being aware of who you are... of the colour of your skin... about the feeling of being looked down upon at... and everything... it was NOT that anything eXplicit had happened which was making me feel so but there was something about it all... and i think it was mostly in my head only... but it was!!! i had already decided about the neXt 7 days that were to be (and this all is after i had met at least a couple of overly helpful and nice ppl!!! it was the rest of the thing)... thankfully and nicely i was proven wrong over the week and met some really nice ppl and had a fun week... this was mostly because of the festival and all... and yeah, film fests are something... but anyway more about the festivals and all later... for that day i was quite pissed... 

but i wanted to be positive about the whole thing and all as my friends had suggested that i leave my cynic self a bit aloof and try and have fun there... so this is positive, trying to be looking forward to it and all... ultimately by the end of the trip I have had quite a lot of fun... it was like a week long party.... and the thing about human emotions being universal remains so true and all... at the end of the day, mummies still would give you stuff when parting... an accidental touch of hands with the person (of the opposite seX) sitting neXt to you which lasts just a second longer still remains awkward everywhere... you get drunk everywhere... "friends" who might NOT have even seen your film would end up saying "THATs what you think" (when you tell them how you fucked up the acting in your films)... some girls seem hot to everyone (and no one dare comes close, hehhehehhe).... you wonder why you doNT have a copy of your film or why you were NOT better prepared for it... and you get drunk here there everywhere... and you party here there everywhere... and well some ppl would just get on your nerves from the word GO...  and somehow some guys STOP talking to you when you start talking to the girl... you just party in the festival and in retrospect wonder if you could make it all more fruitful... so yeah, basically everything almost remains the same... anyway, it also affirmed to me my belief since some time NOW... that festivals are basically solidarity events... so that you doNT feel left out and alone and awkward and outcasted... and that you have a good time feeling "normal" with all the other outcasts from everywhere and feel good about yourself... anyway, here is what i had written there on day2... i had written it on these pages as i was afraid i would fall short of pages... i had thought i would remove it, but i think its interesting as it is.... 

so why haveNT i been blogging... well, maybe because i am NOT busy doing nothing... but maybe i am, in a diff way... maybe i am NOT floating for NOW... for some time... am i ashore??? that is sort of scary... but i will like to believe that this is a temporary thing... and i will be back again floating... hoping that this "ashoreness" is also actually like floating... this is the first time i would probably be in a deal to stay at a place for this long... lets see...

but there is a lot to blog about... am delaying it... mostly of laZiness... but it will take some more time... but then i hope i will catch up with things...

meanwhile i have discovered twitter.com and blip.fm and spending too much time on that i think... i am wondering how would stuff like twitter would change blogging.... hmmm ... lets see..

floating...

i tried to learn to swim... the first thing they teach you in there is to float... all you gotta do is just be lying in the water, back up... and you gotta keep your head down under water... its amaZing... they taught me a few more things like as to how to actually swim and all (i didNT really learn the whole thing though) but the float part is the most amaZing... its like you are floating man.... its like you air and just floating... a much more thicker air, that s it... but it s like being in a state of fluX... its quite seXy... & somehow it reminds me of how my life has been lately... always in a state of fluX... floating,.. not knowing where you floating to... & not that you are going a long distance or anything... there s a certain sort of anXiousness always, wondering about the right time to get your head out...a sort of anXiousness like we you doNT really know when to get out of it... you doNT want to get out of it... but you have to...its like being in fluX... and once are out of it, you want to get in again... 

it is quite amaZing... i quite love it... just keep floating...i doNT know if i love it all that much in life though...

NEWS RECAP(THIS WAS WRITTEN SOME DAYS BACK!!!)

In the last few days there have been a "lack" of news it seems. It seems the channels have had to rattle on the same stuff over and over again. They were talking to people live all over the world about Gandhi's stuff being auctioned and many other blah blah blahs. Maybe its the silence before the storm as the elections come closer. But despite this one news item caught my attention and made me smile and had me tripping on it for some time at least. It was Hillary Clinton giving the Russian Foreign Minister a RESET button, hehehehhehe.... that was so cool... such nice sense of humour at such a level of politics is so nice to see... how much of it actually translates to real changes, i doNT know but at least there is an expressed intention and probably a confession of things going wrong in the past... Russia has been a fast growing power and it would seem that it woNT take long to reach where it was as Soviet Union. It is a country to reckon with. The recent Georgia issue (and also the Gas supply to europe via Ukraine(i think)) proved it all that Russia woNT take it anymore. The way it has been treated indifferently in the past couple of decades especially by Europe and the US. This gesture was probably an acknowledgment of things gone wrong in the relationship but it is also an acknowledgment of the power that Russia threatens to be.... But all this heaviness being tackled by giving a reset button was awesome... I doNT know if it would lead to actual changes or not but sure a great gesture...

 

It made me also wonder if it was high time for India to pass around a few of those buttons... Its high time one re looked at Sino-Indian or India-Pak relations... and the press conferences after these meetings are a sight to see... even when talking of increase of "friendliness" in these meetings it such an icy cold, hold your breath kind of declarations... maybe the buttons would make it at least a little warmer....  of course the onus is on both the side... i remember seeing the opening ceremony of the olympics last year on a friend's comp a few days after the actual event... It made me wonder then, as to the fact that it was probably the first olympics we indians could practically walk on to or drive on to (without needing more than one visa) but what did we make of it????? nothing,.. the olympics being held in china was a great recognition for china (and also the way they conducted it) as a country in the international arena... but caNT we also celebrate that for the region or our neighbours???? and why didNT it strike any of us or any of the chinese to do that???? it was a great opportunity both these countries had... but yeah, i forgot we were taking a stand for tibet, is it???? but remind me, did we do that???? i doNT think so..... i am totally for the tibetan cause and i think the way things are going tibet will be lost in a time not too long from now..  but as the dalai lama said, tibet is probably still alive only because it is alive inside the tibetans and the hope of the actual physical tibet to eXist is as good as null now.... but it is amaZing how faith and belief has pulled it through till now... as to how the spiritual leader is looked up at so much by tibetans all over... kudos to them... saying all that i doNT see india or anyone for that matter taking a stand for that.... as the olympics came, there was s surge of activity there... but forgotten as soon as the olympics got over... the earthquake also in a way helped the chinese... and they sure used the sympathy stuff... (for the first time they were relaying live the rescue efforts and all).... anyway, i digress too much... that s  not the point... the point is canT these two countries make things a bit lighter between themselves... we need a reset button here!!!!!

 

khair, moving on to another thing that i saw a lot of recently, not by choice mind it but by force of tv channels, was the gandhi memorabilia auction.... about how the stuff was being sold off by james otis and how indian govt. was trying to negotiate a deal for it not to be auctioned.... or how the nri restauranteur was going to bid for it and if won would donate it to the indian government... i found the whole business quite useless... as in gandhi doesNT belong to india, he was an indian... the stuff was not stolen from india (as the recent chinese stuff that was auctioned off by christies, the chinese "symbols" were looted off in some war i think) or anything like that.... and india is NOT the rightful owner of the memorabilia just by claim... if the gandhi lineage would have claimed it, it would have been another thing altogether... but they are the ones who gave it in the first place... how come india became the rightful owner of the stuff, i didNT get it... gandhi's ideology has been propagated and followed by several thousands all over the world... and please we are not "gandhians" as a country anyway... even barrack obama has a gandhi portrait in his office or something like that.... so what does that mean... we have gandhi's portrait all over the country... so what does that mean???? nothing, if you ask me... gandhi was more than a person, was more than his stuff, it was in his ideologies that we should take pride in.... all said and done... we had indian government releasing statements as to how it would not allow its auction and how it would bid for it and somehow keep it in this country... do these people really believe in "gandhianism"??? khair, anyway, all said and done vijay mallya bid highest for the stuff and also promised to give it to the government (the logic of which i fail to understand, he should probably keep it in a museum open for public, the govt is satisfied with having the stuff in india and no more.. any which way they wanted to claim credit for the same).... but the irony of the situation is that it was liquor money that saved india's pride (pride - how??? i doNT know).... and there is something for all the gandhians in gujarat to bite on...

i spent the new year's eve watching "main azaad hoon"... a 1989 tinnu anand's film in which amitabh bachchan acted... quite interesting concept... though the film could have been much better done, i guess... the understanding of the power of mass media is quite nice... but then the film goes too formulaic... and the music is too much and all... 

 

that's not why this blog entry is but the film probable made me think... well, it is quite interesting how cinema reflects the society at any given points of time... as to how the hero changed from the basic labour class or the struggling unemployed youth to the millionaire kids to the present supposedly "aam janta" (the common man) notion... as to how the mainstream industry's focus has changed from a person's need for roti, kapda and makaan... to sort of relationship issues and family drama kind of stuff of people who don't only NOT have to be worrying about any of the practical aspects of life  (the roti, kapda aur makaan or the kheer for that matter)... with the current focus on maybe trying to redeem the "aam janta", the common man... but interestingly this common man doesn't have to worry about the daily livelihood but can't really be affording to jump off the helicopter and be running into the castle...

what i find interesting is also the fact that earlier people wanted to see the poor man beating up the rich guys... and get aroused by it, i guess... in the sense that they would probably take pleasure from the fact that the working class could win over the "bourgeois"... at least on the screen... and thereby the adrenaline rush when the labours would find their "hero" (who cannot even afford to get his next meal) who would beat the hell out of the seth ji.

then came "globalisation" and "industrial reforms" and our country's outlook became more capitalistic than socialistic... and so did change the outlook of the people... and thereby the reflection on the screen... nobody seemed interested in stories of the poor anymore it seemed... everyone wanted to potray on screen a lifestyle which was supposedly desirable... which people would look up to and aspire... the aspiration had changed from beating the bourgeoise to becoming one... to be one of those who could probably jump off the helicopter to run into the castle to meet his mother after a long long time... 

but then something else happened... i don't understand it completely as of now... maybe more will be understood in retrospect... but anyway... then again the common man empowerment movement has begun... and this time the common man is different than any other... it is a middle aged service class guy who gets enough salary to not have to worry about food and shelter but is certainly not a very influential character... or a very powerful fellow at that... but never the less it wins, because of what the situation has inspired him to become... be it the social situation or the personal life situation... our "hero" rises upto the situation...

but why are we talking about all this??? i don't know... i really don't... anyway...

I think it was about 11 and a half years ago... she just climbed up on me and was licking me all over the place... the sweetest little thing possible... she was not a pure breed but so what, she was damn cute... and bitchy too, mind it... she had to fight her way into the family and she did... and then she was always there... through all the highs lows... and she braved it all... all the diwali crackers, all the departures, all the coming backs, all the moving around, sicknesses... 

but finally she could no more... 

sherry... R.I.P.

and she loved rasgulla... 

somehow thinking of her, always gets a smile back...

NEW ORDER OF THE WORLD or is it the old one

some people coming on a boat and putting up so many lives at stake is like mocking the whole "system" of things... whatever motives/political revolutions can NOT justify an action like this... how the fuck is it allowed that some people (just because they have guns/ammunitions) keep a country on nerves... has the human life come down to this importance... how can any "revolution" eXpect support/sympathy after an act like this and NOT just be branded as a "terrorist" organization... 

but it is NOT a one off incidence i think... look at whats happening around... the power of "might" has been used more frequently than ever before... in a more blunt fashion than ever before...  makes me wonder, we live in a world where there are "pirates" capturing ships, there are people ready to kill because they think they own the damn place, countries going into war for land capturing... a person decides that the country concept doesn't eXist and that each state people stay in their own state... a president loses in the elections and declares the elections to be too close to decide, rigs the re election and comes back on to power.... a president elect, goes back on his promise to restore the judiciary because he was put on trial by the same judiciary a few years ago...  dunno how many countries are ready to get their guns out because one country' s independence is NOT liked by the other... and all these are just incidences in the past few months... if one starts listing the long term issues and fights, it will be an endless list... 

the world it seems is on the brink of going into war... we barabaric people  have decided, whatever be, the neXt thing we do is kill each other... is it all so whimsical???

is it the new order of the world - the power of might... or is it the old one... the one with which we have been trying to run away since forever... when will it be anyway???? the "new order"... 

seems like the world in our school time books is on our faces like never before... a world where captain hook was present... where the countries were fighting for land all over... its all still so present... its all so real... however hard we pretend that it doesn't...

"the conquerer always believes in  peace, eh?"

but the real question, mind it, is :

is all this really worth it???????

today a friend pointed towards a kid who has started serving chai. she had made that kid
act in her PSA spot as a chai waala who goes in a school and all and is a comment on accessibility of education, and child labour..... she was really disappointed and was feeling weird that the kid had to finally take to serving chai...

later in the evening another of my friend was rushing off after dinner... she was rushing off to teach that same kid, she had started only yesterday and was teaching the kid the alphabets....

P.S.: the kid has already reached 'G'

one fucked up project,
one fucked up me,
and nowhere to go...