i don't know which is more inspiring :
love or the absence of it...

reason or the absence of it...

freedom or the absence of it...

availability of time or absence of it...

absence, in general...

"Alas, in love it takes so little to make a person desperate"

- from Milan Kundera's Immortality.

i was just trying to flick ash off the cigarette, it broke...

sometimes i wonder if i am trying too hard to smoke a broken cigarette...

and then i realise, i should NOT be smoking anyway, 

it is injurious to health and all, you know!!!

well, you wait for something to be happening since ages... and this is what you were looking forward to... the thing that was occupying the chunk of your life... your perfect recluse... and you couldNT wait to get it over... and then it happens... and its over... just like that... now what do i do??? ugh...

it's NOT fair... it is absolutely NOT fair...

you live with an idea for over a year and a half and all... it consumes the major part of thinking and the conscious time in this period of time... you work on it indulgently for about 8-9 months... whatever changes in your life, doesNT change in your life... this was one thing that remained common, constant, perennial... it was your eternal escape in this period... and all that will be left of it after tonight would be a DVCAM cassette and a dvd????? (it is bloody scary!!! and i doNT want to let go and i just want it to be here... in the making... for my recluse... and you worry shit that everything comes down to this... to a couple of hours in the studio... but what will be left of it all??? a bloody cassette and a dvd????!!!!!?????? ugh, not fair.... i can already feel the void... i have seen a lot with this thing, been through with a lot with it... and it leaves us with just a tangible thing which you can keep duplicating at your whim???!!!???? interesting is that your whims and fancies were NOT entertained by it, through out... it just made itself and you were just a mere spectator... no really, is film viewing a thing about being spectator or is it filmmaking???? more and more it seems it s the latter...

a friend commented the other day that i believed what i did was the coolest thing ever, wasNT it??? i said i dONT know,.. but i do know its beautiful... what did i do for it anyway, i was just led, mislead by it... and i was merely watching "it" take a life form... where i couldNT do anything with it, and i was just a mere additional burden on it, maybe...

it certainly made itself... and how... that is beautiful; the fact that 8 ppl (some of them hardly know you, some who know you since forever) in this world would pool in considerable amounts of money to let you make it... the fact that the laZy ass you would get up and 4 in the morning and go on a borrowed scooter on a 100 km ride for the recce... to the fact that you will find someone to come along with you always, at that time, without any conditions despite knowing the fact that sometimes you tend to sleep while riding the scooter... its beautiful that you would be able to find that one person (who inspired you for it all in the first place) out of thousands of people spread across several villages... the fact that a friend of yours would come down for 10 days or so, adjusting his other project dates accordingly, work for free for you... that two other students would work for you for free whenever called for... the fact that you call for a NON AC car (and it was quite hot), the driver likes you hence switches on the AC but charges you NON AC fairs... the fact that a random equipment dealer lets you out all the shoot equipments without any advance or deposit or anything... the fact that a senior sound guy does all he could in post for free... or the fact that the struggling editor (who once was your junior in college) takes up studio bookings and pays it for by himself (and doesNT even like the edit)... or that your friend(s) doNT mind meeting you after ages only coZ you need a place to crash and freshen up for a couple of hours... or that a friend would pay for your dinner and beer realising that you doNT really have the cash to have THAT dinner or THAT beer THERE... the fact that you could call a person halfway across the world on their cost just to frustrate them with your cribbing about how things are NOT really working out... or the fact that the person who lives ten minutes from your place (but hardly knows you) comes over to place to make coffee for you coZ you are having a headache after the edit is NOT going anywhere... or the fact that when ppl are doing favours to you, they still listen to you shouting on them (at international long distance calling rates they are paying for) coZ of no real mistake of theirs... or the fact that a person would come all the way from a corner of mumbai to another (and that is more difficult than travelling in between cities) so that they could help you all night through (despite the fact that they have to be in office neXt morning) without cribbing and in fact listening/pampering your tantrums...

the film??? just seems like a by product by now...