selfish art

what is art?????? a piece of self eXpression.. reminds me of the film "frida" about the artist frida kahlo... that truly was self eXpression... she used to paint herself in the way she saw herself... represented in a beautiful way... i recently finished my first film, antaraal... in the film i tried to potray a state of mind, an emotion which for me is an interesting emotion, for me which holds a particular importance & so on... the film hasNT come out as well as i wanted, its just ok, i think i needed to spend more time on the script & all... but through the film there was a big question which haunted me - as to if i was justified in making this film as to if i was allowed (morally) to be doing this film.

i had the idea of making this film in my head since a long long time... but i was avoiding it... because i didNT know as to if i "should" make this film or NO... it is a piece of self eXpression only but are we justified to making these "'pieces of self eXpression" ???? as to i have had this thing in me for quite some time NOW... but haveNT been able to take it out in any other medium... NOT even able to talk about it clearly... but that is what the greatest achievement of this film is - to be able to make me understand the situation for myself, to able to comprehend it, to be able to internalise it & maybe more open to discuss it in tangible terms... but again, am i allowed to do all this disregarding so many others... in the sense, isNT "self" eXpression in those terms really selfish... for me to understand... for me to get in terms with... for me blah blah... but isNT it sad that i am doing all this despite the fact that there are others who were hit by the same incident, who had to face the same situation, who might have never eXpressed it also... in that sense isNT it cheating them... the fact that they kept it all inside & i am choosing to "say" it, isNT it unjustified & unbelievingly selfish... are we allowed to do that??????

i sent the film to my parents asap, because it really mattered to me as to how they feel about the film... because for me it was necessary to know if i was justified in the procecss or NO... was i guilty of it or NO... i doNT know how they feel about it actually speaking, the stupid asshole that i was, i was actually eXpecting something as a response... as in what else would they have said but to say its nice & all... & then getting worried about me re living the whole thing over & over again...

another thing i was worried about before actually getting down to the process of making the film was as to how would i react to a particular incident (that has happened in my life) getting such a physical form whereby you can see it happening in front of you over & over again... well, that fear was completely shot down during the scripting process only, because NOW all this was happening to a character... NOT that you doNT go through it again & again each time but someHOW its different... when talking about it and all, coZ it then is happening to the character you have created...

this also i find selfish to a great eXtent...