hi
long long long time since i have posted something in here... have got a scratch pad lately and have been scribbling on it... that s one reason am off writing i guess...

someone asked me today as to what am i upto??? my reply surprised me - "well, going through the motions of life".... why, why would i say such things????

i crib about life, world blah blah blah blah.... so many things... quite a few of us do... as if we are all going through the "motions of life" by FORCE... is it??? NO, NOT really... why is there no kick then???

someone told me recently that happiness is in smaller things... true, very true... the concept of greater happiness is all BULL... and so is concept of being happy i guess... it is something like you can never be a 1o0% happy ever... happiness as a state of mind is myth... have written that here before aint i??? being too pessimistic, cynical??? huh!!! but doesNT it also mean that i am rejecting the concept of being 100% sad too... one can never be a 100% sad anytime too... why doesNT anyone look at that like that????? why are you always like this??? repeating the same shit over and over again????? why???? got the point... now get over it...

so is it important??? being happy or sad... i just am... NOT happy NOT sad... just going through the motions of life... huh!!! i wish.... again??? just stop it.... why do you have to go into these things... get over it man... no one s interested....

hmmmm.... why does that one phone call become important... or one meeting becomes important... to give one enthu till that time at least??? why is it important as to what am i going to do neXt... i doNT know... & i really doNT ... & maybe i doNT want to know... i have NO plan, but why do i need one... but you were NOT like this, were you??? what happened to you??? you were sharp, you were talented and all, you had at least a basic idea of what you are doing, what you are going to do... what has happened to you... why are you so lost??? were you always like this???

huh!!! i am tired... i guess... of what?? of going through the motions of life... hehehehhehehe

what???? anyway, its just that i am losing the pretense... i am losing the facade that one has to carry.... that i know where i am going, what am i doing... that s it... it is damn difficult... because, can you stop thinking about it... NO, i guess not... but then who said life s easy anyway... but yeah one thing is there.. since there is NOThing actually to look forward to, this one step has become slllllloooooooooowwwwwwwwww.... human nature i guess.... i am confused as to where should i compromise... what should be done neXt... i want somethings of a particular package, some of the others... it is the usual transition period dilemma, i guess... but wait, i am NOT there at the transition point yet, i should worry about it properly when i am there... but its NOT far too... so at least i should prepare myself to worry about it, i guess...

to tell the truth... i have NO idea of what i am doing... or what i am going to do.... i never had... i could NT say it earlier... coZ i was too scared of saying that... i doNT know what i am going to do, or what i want to do.... i am just lost in the middle of no where... but the good thing is that i know i am lost, & i doNT need to pretend other wise.... ;)