I think it was about 11 and a half years ago... she just climbed up on me and was licking me all over the place... the sweetest little thing possible... she was not a pure breed but so what, she was damn cute... and bitchy too, mind it... she had to fight her way into the family and she did... and then she was always there... through all the highs lows... and she braved it all... all the diwali crackers, all the departures, all the coming backs, all the moving around, sicknesses... 

but finally she could no more... 

sherry... R.I.P.

and she loved rasgulla... 

somehow thinking of her, always gets a smile back...

NEW ORDER OF THE WORLD or is it the old one

some people coming on a boat and putting up so many lives at stake is like mocking the whole "system" of things... whatever motives/political revolutions can NOT justify an action like this... how the fuck is it allowed that some people (just because they have guns/ammunitions) keep a country on nerves... has the human life come down to this importance... how can any "revolution" eXpect support/sympathy after an act like this and NOT just be branded as a "terrorist" organization... 

but it is NOT a one off incidence i think... look at whats happening around... the power of "might" has been used more frequently than ever before... in a more blunt fashion than ever before...  makes me wonder, we live in a world where there are "pirates" capturing ships, there are people ready to kill because they think they own the damn place, countries going into war for land capturing... a person decides that the country concept doesn't eXist and that each state people stay in their own state... a president loses in the elections and declares the elections to be too close to decide, rigs the re election and comes back on to power.... a president elect, goes back on his promise to restore the judiciary because he was put on trial by the same judiciary a few years ago...  dunno how many countries are ready to get their guns out because one country' s independence is NOT liked by the other... and all these are just incidences in the past few months... if one starts listing the long term issues and fights, it will be an endless list... 

the world it seems is on the brink of going into war... we barabaric people  have decided, whatever be, the neXt thing we do is kill each other... is it all so whimsical???

is it the new order of the world - the power of might... or is it the old one... the one with which we have been trying to run away since forever... when will it be anyway???? the "new order"... 

seems like the world in our school time books is on our faces like never before... a world where captain hook was present... where the countries were fighting for land all over... its all still so present... its all so real... however hard we pretend that it doesn't...

"the conquerer always believes in  peace, eh?"

but the real question, mind it, is :

is all this really worth it???????

today a friend pointed towards a kid who has started serving chai. she had made that kid
act in her PSA spot as a chai waala who goes in a school and all and is a comment on accessibility of education, and child labour..... she was really disappointed and was feeling weird that the kid had to finally take to serving chai...

later in the evening another of my friend was rushing off after dinner... she was rushing off to teach that same kid, she had started only yesterday and was teaching the kid the alphabets....

P.S.: the kid has already reached 'G'

one fucked up project,
one fucked up me,
and nowhere to go...

hi
as i posted on my previous blog.. have been scribbling a little lately...

didNT seem a good idea to put all in the same blog...

so a new blog - ujjwalsetloose.blogspot.com

have put some photographs by me and stuff there as of now...

see you there...

and here too ;)

hi
long long long time since i have posted something in here... have got a scratch pad lately and have been scribbling on it... that s one reason am off writing i guess...

someone asked me today as to what am i upto??? my reply surprised me - "well, going through the motions of life".... why, why would i say such things????

i crib about life, world blah blah blah blah.... so many things... quite a few of us do... as if we are all going through the "motions of life" by FORCE... is it??? NO, NOT really... why is there no kick then???

someone told me recently that happiness is in smaller things... true, very true... the concept of greater happiness is all BULL... and so is concept of being happy i guess... it is something like you can never be a 1o0% happy ever... happiness as a state of mind is myth... have written that here before aint i??? being too pessimistic, cynical??? huh!!! but doesNT it also mean that i am rejecting the concept of being 100% sad too... one can never be a 100% sad anytime too... why doesNT anyone look at that like that????? why are you always like this??? repeating the same shit over and over again????? why???? got the point... now get over it...

so is it important??? being happy or sad... i just am... NOT happy NOT sad... just going through the motions of life... huh!!! i wish.... again??? just stop it.... why do you have to go into these things... get over it man... no one s interested....

hmmmm.... why does that one phone call become important... or one meeting becomes important... to give one enthu till that time at least??? why is it important as to what am i going to do neXt... i doNT know... & i really doNT ... & maybe i doNT want to know... i have NO plan, but why do i need one... but you were NOT like this, were you??? what happened to you??? you were sharp, you were talented and all, you had at least a basic idea of what you are doing, what you are going to do... what has happened to you... why are you so lost??? were you always like this???

huh!!! i am tired... i guess... of what?? of going through the motions of life... hehehehhehehe

what???? anyway, its just that i am losing the pretense... i am losing the facade that one has to carry.... that i know where i am going, what am i doing... that s it... it is damn difficult... because, can you stop thinking about it... NO, i guess not... but then who said life s easy anyway... but yeah one thing is there.. since there is NOThing actually to look forward to, this one step has become slllllloooooooooowwwwwwwwww.... human nature i guess.... i am confused as to where should i compromise... what should be done neXt... i want somethings of a particular package, some of the others... it is the usual transition period dilemma, i guess... but wait, i am NOT there at the transition point yet, i should worry about it properly when i am there... but its NOT far too... so at least i should prepare myself to worry about it, i guess...

to tell the truth... i have NO idea of what i am doing... or what i am going to do.... i never had... i could NT say it earlier... coZ i was too scared of saying that... i doNT know what i am going to do, or what i want to do.... i am just lost in the middle of no where... but the good thing is that i know i am lost, & i doNT need to pretend other wise.... ;)

scavengers are better!!!

today i went to this ortho place which specializes in equipments and rents them out also etc. they have got just two or three wheelchairs. I needed a wheelchair for my shoot, that should be around 25th - 27th. But these guys were NOT ready to commit if the wheelchair would be available then, it was available NOW!!! so ok we will take one NOW for a week or so, (the rent is something like ten bucks a day) and then we wanted the one wheelchair that had the eXtra rim on the wheel as a support to wheel.... pathetic....

it is so so sad....

is the film really this important.... what if some1 else needs it then... makes you wonder about the whole thing... about as to if one should be making this film only... makes you wonder about film making itself... is all this really this important...

& i was thinking about all this and also simultaneously making sure that i had the wheelchair at my disposal for the shoot.... what s the use of this sort of consciousness anyway...

we had been told before that filmmakers are like scavengers... NOT true... i think scavengers are better...

they say films come out of heart and compassion and blah blah blah... is it????

it is all blah blah only.....

my deskTOP :

do i really have to be part of all this?????

i think i should do something simpler in life,
something where i doNT have to think so much
where i doNT have to give in so much
or get paranoid so much

or maybe i should just change my style of working
or maybe just start working rather than just worrying about it....

what did God do when he was angry????

he made locks.... God-rage locks......
hahhahahahhahahhaha


Why did the truck guy refuse to transport the bad furniture????

because it was a goods carrier.....
hhahahhahahahhaha

filmmaking is a compromise.

i was watching this film - "The F word"... {didNT see the complete thing mind it}

but bsically it is about "free speech" and is based on this radio show called the F word which has been banned by FCC for "obscenity" or something.... so this radio jockey takes to the streets with his wireless transmitter enabled mic..... blah blaH

so he goes onto grouse about the government nd how they are impairing free speech.... and questions as to why is it that the same people (as in the US govt) which fight for smaller government and freedom of markets, why do the same people have problem with "free speech"...


hahahhahhhahhahahahahhahahahhahaha
how did you like that ?????

i was waiting for this rick guy saeed bhai to come to drop my friend off to the airport. it was already 7 10 and he was supposed to have come by 7. i had already made two calls to him and was getting a bit irritated when he showed up. relieved i asked him as to what took him so long. " woh aaj subah nasir bhai ki mother off ho gayi" (nasir bhai is another rick bhai). that shook me, NOT just the fact that nasir bhai's mother was NO more, but more so the way the news was delivered. asked him about nasir bhai's father, "woh toh bahut time pahle hi off ho gaye thhe". someHOW his mother's death was so much a fact NOW.

i was pretty sure i would see nasir bhai the day after or something smiling "chalo ujjwal bhai kaha jaana hai?". & it would be the same old nasir bhai, with his crutch roaming around the city with any of the students trying to find the stuff we want with full vigour. someHOW one knows that the emotional trauma or just emotions perhaps is just a commodity NOT many can afford. reminds me of this chai waala i met in the old city about a year back or something. seXy chai i must tell you. but more importantly he had this cup, he used for measuring the sugar. it was an old old cup, cracked & in fact broken at several places and clearly stuck together. when inquired, the cup turned out to be of the 60s (around 1962 or 65 if i am NOT wrong). can you beat that. a cup that has seen it all. from emergency to earthquakes to the riots and still there, being put to good use everyday. that cup was the cup which this chai guy had stepped into this profession. when i asked him as to why he doesNT use a new one "isse maap sahi hota hai" (its measurement is right). i tried to coaX it out of him that it was just because of the fact that it was his first cup he was still hanging on (because that was the reason) but all he could come up with was that "aaj kal chalu cup milta hai" (the cups available now a days are cheats) and would go on to eXplain me as to how they had thickened the body of the cup so as to accumulate only half as much quantity (& that s the cup he uses to serve chai). but for once he couldNT say anything like, i like this cup, or it s been with me since ages. it made me realise something, emotions and/or emotional attachment is a commodity NOT everyone can afford. the thing is that he needed to attach some practical reasons and eXplanations to the cup or else it would have become "useless". i was back at the shop a few months back, he had a new sugar measuring cup, that one had broken into pieces that was NOT attachable again. & he had this tinge of sadness in his voice, but he had to rush off to deliver a tea then. when he was back he gave me another chai and over that cup of chai he told me had another one like that at home and that he doesNT want to use it. so i asked him as to if he is just keeping it for keepsake. NO, he would give it to his brother who might be opening up his own chai shop in near future, " woh kya hai na, usse maap sahi aata hai". (actually the thing is that its measurement is right)

I read an article in this magaZine I just saw – deep focus film journal…. the article was about how great & seXy parZania as a film was… & it went on & on about it & made me feel sick…. I had to leave the library… L I don’t get it cant people see through even films like parZania… the whole intention of the film was screwed up – to be able to piggy ride on the Gujarat riot thingy… to take monetary advantages out of the incident… to ride on the publicity of the same… what the FUCK man??? Why else would the film be made in English ??? to cater to the festival audiences… what else… & that too such sophisticated English… go check it out… gujju parsis doNT speak that good English… & the woman NO ways look like a lower middle class woman… she completely stood out of the film & conteXt… & the whole film felt superficial… & just taking advantage/cashing in on the event… L

the sad part about all this is, even people who claim to be so called film people & people who understand cinema have NOT been able to see through it…

selfish art

what is art?????? a piece of self eXpression.. reminds me of the film "frida" about the artist frida kahlo... that truly was self eXpression... she used to paint herself in the way she saw herself... represented in a beautiful way... i recently finished my first film, antaraal... in the film i tried to potray a state of mind, an emotion which for me is an interesting emotion, for me which holds a particular importance & so on... the film hasNT come out as well as i wanted, its just ok, i think i needed to spend more time on the script & all... but through the film there was a big question which haunted me - as to if i was justified in making this film as to if i was allowed (morally) to be doing this film.

i had the idea of making this film in my head since a long long time... but i was avoiding it... because i didNT know as to if i "should" make this film or NO... it is a piece of self eXpression only but are we justified to making these "'pieces of self eXpression" ???? as to i have had this thing in me for quite some time NOW... but haveNT been able to take it out in any other medium... NOT even able to talk about it clearly... but that is what the greatest achievement of this film is - to be able to make me understand the situation for myself, to able to comprehend it, to be able to internalise it & maybe more open to discuss it in tangible terms... but again, am i allowed to do all this disregarding so many others... in the sense, isNT "self" eXpression in those terms really selfish... for me to understand... for me to get in terms with... for me blah blah... but isNT it sad that i am doing all this despite the fact that there are others who were hit by the same incident, who had to face the same situation, who might have never eXpressed it also... in that sense isNT it cheating them... the fact that they kept it all inside & i am choosing to "say" it, isNT it unjustified & unbelievingly selfish... are we allowed to do that??????

i sent the film to my parents asap, because it really mattered to me as to how they feel about the film... because for me it was necessary to know if i was justified in the procecss or NO... was i guilty of it or NO... i doNT know how they feel about it actually speaking, the stupid asshole that i was, i was actually eXpecting something as a response... as in what else would they have said but to say its nice & all... & then getting worried about me re living the whole thing over & over again...

another thing i was worried about before actually getting down to the process of making the film was as to how would i react to a particular incident (that has happened in my life) getting such a physical form whereby you can see it happening in front of you over & over again... well, that fear was completely shot down during the scripting process only, because NOW all this was happening to a character... NOT that you doNT go through it again & again each time but someHOW its different... when talking about it and all, coZ it then is happening to the character you have created...

this also i find selfish to a great eXtent...

this was written on the plane from ahm to cal (actual destination - gaya) o 18th feb'08

happiness is a myth, a highly over rated myth...

there is a common belief that with age and eXperience one's filmmaking keeps improving... as in the more one has lived and has more credibility for one's belief, or the more one has read, or just the fact that one has spent more time with the camera, the filmmaking improves... people like paradjanov prove the point... even, for eXample, bresson's idea of filmmaking grew more & more concrete and he became more a master of his own created language through the years & that can be seen if one goes through the films he has made through the years.... this actually is evident in most filmmakers i believe...

but it seems like Nagesh Kukunoor and Sanjay Leela Bhansali have decided to prove a point. it's hard to believe that the guy who has made films like hyderabad blues, rockford & teen deewarein can make a film like Bombay to Bangkok... or for that matter that a guy who made khamoshi can make something like Saawariyan..

to me it seems money to be the culprit... Hyderabad Blues was made in around 20 lakh rupees, try to beat that... the sequel of the film made about 6 years down the lane is no match to the original one... & then he went on to make iqbal, dor & now bombay to bangkok... what happened???? though i was still ok with iqbal (at least it was the one off sports film we had that time) & i found dor also ok... but hey how about the mallu film which has a very very similar story???? (btw the mallu film ends much better & is generally speaking a much much better film)

when i was first seeing 3 deewarein, i was really apprehensive... it was "inspired" by shawshank redemption after all.... but that is one film i NOW keep as an eXample of what an inspiration should be... it was just that - an inspiration... but what about dor??? what was that????

even that is ok... but then how can one eXplain Bombay to Bangkok????? i mean, its ridiculous..... & they say he is coming up with another one this year...

what happened to Sanjay Leela Bhansali for that matter????? how can a person capable of making khamoshi make a film like Saawariyan (with even the god damned pot holes being calculated and put there) ?????

is it that, if you are a "great director" you gotta spend a particular amount of money??? what is this money thing doing to the art form????

few years back, when the film making venture in india got "industry" setup a lot of whoola was created for the advantages it has... i really doNT know about the advantages but know this much that cinema aint the typical "industry"... it is an art form, & should be treated in the same sense... one needs to earn money & be rich & all but it is more than that...

it is really sad seeing "good" filmmakers do what they are doing NOW
& it's heart breaking...
& there is this feeling of having been cheated...

aap hindu hain (are you a hindu)????

there was a friend's shoot today in a nearby place... it was a home of a lower middle class family... the home was a two story home with a couple of rooms in the ground floor and another couple in the first floor... we were shooting in the first floor... & thereby occupying the kitchen/dining space of the family... & intruding the family space... interestingly, someHOW these families are so damn co-operative... they help you with everything possible, & making films in NID without all these helpful gujarati people around us would have been a real pain...

also the general interest that film making arouse also helps us a LOT & hinders us a LOT too (talk about crowd control when shooting outdoors & it becomes mind boggling).. khair, getting to the point, there was this girl, studying in class 3 (i think around 7-8 years old) in this place we were shooting... she was a really sweet kid & was intrigued by what we were trying to do... so was trying to hang around where we guys were... but was very inhibited.. i thought that this initial inhibition is just the shyness that kids have... we tried talking to her and all... the first thing she asked us was "aap sab hindu hai???" (are you all hindu?)

that shocked us all, i think... after confirming that we were hindus, she went on to become more comfortable with us..talking to us openly... she went on to describe as to how "mohammadens" would take away kids in the night, how they burned down the houses (during the riots), and how they burnt down delite bakery (a muslim shop nearby... when asked why would they burn down a muslim shop only, she couldNT respond but was absolutely sure of the fact that she wanted the cake from there)... how if you go to pakistan (any place with a significant muslim population) one would get harassed and all... my own reaction to the complete day's conversation with her changed from shock to inquisitiveness to disbelief to helplessness...

its amaZing as to how we are nurturing these kids in here... as a child i remember, i did NT get the concept of hindu-muslim till very very late... & NObody was worried... here was a child of 8 yrs old who was fed up on the stuff that naZi's tried to get down the world's throat... where are we heading??? secularism toh was never there... it's like a eutopia which never eXisted but we were NOT fascists... but are we lesser NOW... by supporting, by NOT reacting are NT we getting worse than ever... in a hindu family it might be considered ok to ridicule a little about muslims, or even have one's own prejudices towards them... but caNT we see the effect it's having on the children... an 8 yr old child would talk to us only if we were hindus... of family which was just ok financially... i had heard kids trying to understand the concept of money and all before and having the compleX of being either in poor houses or rich houses but being so religion conscious??????!!!!!!?????

how can such nice & helpful people be bringing up a child with such crap in their head???? how can such an innocent kid have so much poison in them??? & what kinds of adults do we eXpect out of them???